The Seekers

Faith. What a beautiful word, conjuring up a mystery and intangible solidity strong enough to move a mountain with nothing but an idea and mist. I have met so many people who profess owning Faith, claiming Faith, and preaching Faith. The word itself speaks of beauty and time to me.

I cannot define myself with that word, no matter how my heart yearns for it. Faith belongs to angels, and to elves...and to all things in another world less earthy. I admit judging harshly fellow human folk who are made up of mud and blood and bone when they proclaim their "faith" on the soapbox of religion. Substance. Science. Earth as a firmament to be dug, and touched, and embedded under nails and skin.

Doubt is perceived as a darkness, and a muddy cloud... and in such an element has my heart lived. But I was recently enlightened, by my good friend Melanie whom I love. She gave me words from a church sermon, no less, that filled me with awakening and lightened my guilt. Let me tell you about Melanie...a little, and according to my limited experience of that friend who is becoming a sister of my soul. First off, I will come right out to say, Melanie is the wife of a Pastor. But that is such a deceptive and shallow description of her, and her sweet husband, that most of you will be all over it thinking you know all of what you need now. Ha. I repeat: ha. I have NEVER met a pastor or a pastor's wife who has affected me the way these two people do. I am sorry to say that this couple, in the Lord's Army, is unique. They are people who are not afraid of my questions, and do not pretend to answer them...they just listen, and they respond simply and solidly. They do not try to talk me out of my disbelief and my doubt...indeed, they have not once argued any point with the lame and inane, and might I add stupid, rebuttal of "I just "know" because I have "faith" that this is true."....

They feel free to laugh with me about things of the real world, without contempt and without fear... and I don't feel like a dark and "lost" soul when I tell them I cannot take communion because there is NO way I believe I am drinking somebody's BLOOD (eww) or partaking in the eating of somebody's BODY (double ewwww)... and if I DID believe it, I so would NOT even consider doing it....! Beside the fact, that my diet leans heavily toward vegetables, I can easily gross myself out during communion at the Lutheran church I tried attending picturing my loving friends and family actually lining up to eat and drink someBODY....eww, ewww, ewww. It is hard enough to eat a cow.

Melanie and I connect in many ways that are similar to each other. Our lives have gone a similar path in past relationships, and current relationships... our husbands share a sweetness and the same playfulness as each other. We both have grown children, and a single sixth grader left to raise. We have both been single moms, and have both been "good" and "bad" in very similar ways. But it is our differences that I believe bonds us together. For one thing, Melanie actually swears more than I do. She likes the taste of wine more than me (although we have been known to down a bottle together in no time flat, where taste no longer matters...) Mel is from a different decade and yearns for the more free spirited era that I wallow in, and thinks of me certainly as something better and more than I really am. She has a great solid head for business, where mine is usually in the clouds. She is a precise thinker, who has capacity for details and analyzes everything way more than I care to. Melanie is the kind of person who measures twice, cuts once... which I totally admire, especially when my projects turn out to be very "folkish" and "whimsical" due to digging in bravely but certainly just eyeballing it all. Our differences inspire each other, and it just works.

She totally gets me. In expressing my doubts, in religion...Christianity, to be precise, Melanie just takes it in, and then sits on it in her way of quietly digesting and analyzing my words. Then, out of the blue, she comes up with the perfect analysis' of it all. Recently, upon hearing me saying "I WANT to believe in God, in Christianity, in the Bible...but I just don't see it..." I watch Christians every day... most of my friends profess Christianity as their way of life... and it doesn't fit. I hear them shout political views that to me are inhumane and totally NOT what Christ addressed or adhered to, in the name of Christianity. Melanie listens, and doesn't make me feel "less than." Days later, she hands me a sermon that she just heard... and non-chalantly as she lives, she thought of me and knew that it would be interesting. I did not read it right away. I think she understands my rebellious nature, and if I thought I HAD to read it, would not... but sitting down with my coffee this morning, I really read it, and re-read it, and was amazed. It did not answer questions, but it so gave me hope. Words spoken by a real pastor, who seems to understand people like me.... now we are talking! The title was "Three Seekers"... and it was about three different people : an African boy, a Jewish leader, and Thomas, who is always portrayed as "the Doubter" in the Bible.

The African boy was working in the home of a Christian (from "Out of Africa") and asked to be let go because he was going to go work in another man's home for a while. Even turning down a raise... his reason being that he is seeking. He worked (and worked well) for a Christian family, and now he wants to work for a Muslim family, because he wants to decide what religion he wanted to follow. Of course, the Christian person thought, "oh my, I wish he had told me when he started ..." feeling as if they were set up as a test. Which of course they were. I loved it. What a smart boy. To see how each person lived with their religion, and for their religion in daily life. Where it counts. How different would people act if they knew they were being tested? Interesting.

The Jewish leader who is cautious about the Christian movement, waiting to see how it lasts...with time, and with strength...before making his decision about the movement.

And then, Thomas, who is already a disciple of Christ...who wants a personal experience in order to validate his faith....This pastor does not put Thomas down as a "doubter" but as a seeker. Christ would welcome the seeker, proving that He understood by allowing Thomas to have the personal experience he needed. Jesus did not judge Thomas, as a doubter... fellow "christians" did. I see Thomas as someone who does not "pretend" easily. And that's good in my book.

The pastor who wrote this sermon gave me permission to walk my own way...to Seek as I needed. Seekers are after Truth. I don't feel bad at all to doubt, because I am walking the path that my spirit will trust in the long run. Thank you Melanie, for sharing this sermon with me and letting me be just who I am, without pretending. Maybe "faith" will someday find its way into my heart.... but until then, I just Seek.