Here I sit. Trying to quiet the pounding of my heart, to still the nervous bouncing of my right foot as it keeps time to the ever-increasing momentum that anxiously announces the end of a waiting period, I sit. After weeks of blood draws and measurements collected, my Doctor's consult is nigh upon me. I have been telling myself "no news is good news" for so long, I hesitate to complete this journey, not wanting to jinx the "good news" part with "news." Two more days to put any considerations and possibilities on hold.
I decided to document this journey, good or bad, in order to share with others who will inevitably be stepping on this path. Of course, in my moments of "Glass-half-full" I imagine myself rejoicing a long and healthy life where future decisions will actually make a difference, but once in a while that persistent, but silent dark cloud shadows my thoughts with all the "what-ifs" of the horror stories of my friends and family who have lost their battles with Cancer and other life-crushing diagnosis'.
It is odd, and kind of funny, what my mind has played with. I went from feeling invincible and strong, given my glorious Boot Camp mornings where I can throw a 14 pound medicine ball around in various positions for half an hour...to more presently, being weakened by imagined or real, sore throats, ear aches, head aches and muscle-joint pain. I am laughing at myself at this point, acknowledging my always-active imagination, but there is that ominous quiet cloud shadow making my chuckles die out with a question mark.
My husband, ever supportive, has been treating me with kid gloves due to an upheaval in our relationship status... (interpreted as: "it's complicated" on facebook... leaving much to the imagination.) My timely condition ultimately includes him as a participant of my "Waiting Game" as well. I recognize his generous sweetness as a willing addition to this game, but I question his motives, interpreting his generosity in the moments of my dark cloud as a pre-determined strategy in the game end, with me as the big "loser." I am a bad sport, and being a "loser" just doesn't sit well.
So, I close my eyes and wait. I try to visualize the workings of my heart, cleaning my life-giving blood and distributing it to all my parts, carrying with it my hopes and my laughter and my prayers...We only have one chance to live this life... I want to embrace the good with the bad, and to be sensitive to everyone around me who shares this human existence. And this is where magic happens. In the game of "Wait" I am drawing the Magic card. Because I can. So I sit, waiting.
