The sounds of a spring-time rainy day in North Carolina are soft, and fairly cosy. The greens look greener, the budding trees more full. But it dulls the edges of my heart in ways that bring discontent, as well as a limp laziness of not caring to my day. Unable to shake this off, and just do something, I melt and wilt deeper into my blanketed chair. Hugging my umpteenth cup of coffee to my chest, feeling a bit of the sleepiness from the warmth, without the futile buzz that comes with caffeine. Oh yeah. I am beyond mellow. Starting to slip into the old fetid swimming hole that is depression, I question my emotional maturity.
I had great hopes at the beginning of this year. New medication that was supposed to make me dance with energy and lightness, hope that our life was really making sense to the glories of the future. Chris' new position in his job, that would bring my dearest friend back in place of the stranger his old job created. I felt assured that we were making positive decisions regarding the most important four years of our son's education. Moving ahead with confidence, and the ability to ignore the flagging red tips of warning flags along the way, my heart was hopeful. I still had the ability to talk myself out of the slipped footings as I made my way through my days.
It became apparent to me that I was losing ground, when I found myself deflated and defeated and uninspired with my Irish dance classes, and even my hard-earned place in my Intermediate Boot Camp was making me whine and balk. My joys were turning against me.
Something is wrong. But I don't know what.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Dan, this one is for you. You are going to be good for my Family.
Wow! It's been a long time since I sat down and actually had something to say. Not that life didn't go on without you, dear Blog, but I found motivation and inspiration in odd times and did not make you accessible to me. So, I am going to attempt to catch up.
This summer as been a challenge, good and bad, as all challenges are. The only thing consistent to ME has been my Boot Camp class, which doesn't sound poetic at all, but has held me together body, mind and soul, to get me through some tumultuous waters. Like the ocean, this summer has had a tremendous rip-tide that could have easily pulled me under and dragged me out to sea.
From the outside, looking in, I can understand how people may think my life is very calm and secure. The very peace of it, however, is exactly what creates my storms. I have never been able to feel truly settled, or calm, unless things around me are challenging and a bit dangerous. As I grow older, less of me is being pulled into the eye of the tornado, and finding peace within an already calm space has become something I want to learn better how to do. It isn't comfortable, as one may assume, and my body seems to crave constant pressure and movement. Sitting still feels stagnant to me, even when I am overwhelmed with the need to "rest."
I am living with two men, one young and one ...well, "old"...(no offense, honey...I am still older than you)...Both of these men are currently very satisfied with staying still. It is within them, a sort of peace that makes me feel as if their calm harbor is where they maintain their strength. It makes me crazy. Period. I feel that I am their "nucleus" and they are pulled magnetically to maintain a close distance to me, and I am afraid to go anywhere outside of THEIR comfort zones. I don't want to shake them up with my own frenetic need to wiggle and blindly jump about.
I am trying to fill my calm space with very active things, that I can be passionate about. It makes me think of a cup of hot water with its energetic ions and protons and neutrons bopping around about and into each other as the water heats up. Maybe I can maintain this calm exterior and NOT burst... so, I am starting up my Irish dance classes again.
My Irish dance academy has a new teacher, who is fast becoming a good friend to me. My friend has one of those "calm exteriors" also, but I sense a kindred spirit inside, and I'm thinking his molecules are ever-moving and keeping up with the frenetic energy I contain as well. His dancing is beautiful. It is powerful, and yet sweetly smooth, as if he has a bit of fairy-light within lifting him off the ground. I will dance like that someday, I think. I can feel it. I have taken only three classes with him so far, but he is teaching me about where the body has the most strength, in the most unsuspected places. Who knew that to lift off, being on our toes would get us higher than pushing off from the very solid whole foot....?
Which leads me to this thought: I wonder if our "power" in everyday living, both spiritually and physically really comes from the often overlooked small places? Never obvious...maybe that's how people who have become very powerfully accomplished and famous, surprise us. Take Mother Teresa for an example: She very quietly, steadfastly, and yes, calmly, took over the world in her own way and learned to contain her goodness and her strength to accomplish outrageously energetic things. In history, there are many people who have learned to move their "cup" of energy without disrupting the calm ... learning to push off from the small places of their bodies, their souls, seemingly to defy the laws of nature...
I know many people who are proud to call themselves "Christians" will determine that it is "God" who is their strength and motivations, inside of their peace. That's good, I think. I accept that. I think we need to use whatever visualizations and imaginations that we can to feed our souls, to heat up our energies. I like to visualize God, myself. I am not sure of His absolute reality, and do not have "faith" in all that seems to be the makings of our society's Christianity... I think it is much bigger than that. And smaller, too. I believe every religion has those accomplishments, and finding the fires within ourselves individually takes an unearthly separation of body and soul... and giving it a name just seems to limit the possibilities.
I am, personally, going to start looking closely at the smaller, more hidden places of my strength...not overlooking every potential therein, nor underestimating the smallest or the weakest. Let's surprise ourselves, and start jumping off from our toes, instead of our whole foot.
This summer as been a challenge, good and bad, as all challenges are. The only thing consistent to ME has been my Boot Camp class, which doesn't sound poetic at all, but has held me together body, mind and soul, to get me through some tumultuous waters. Like the ocean, this summer has had a tremendous rip-tide that could have easily pulled me under and dragged me out to sea.
From the outside, looking in, I can understand how people may think my life is very calm and secure. The very peace of it, however, is exactly what creates my storms. I have never been able to feel truly settled, or calm, unless things around me are challenging and a bit dangerous. As I grow older, less of me is being pulled into the eye of the tornado, and finding peace within an already calm space has become something I want to learn better how to do. It isn't comfortable, as one may assume, and my body seems to crave constant pressure and movement. Sitting still feels stagnant to me, even when I am overwhelmed with the need to "rest."
I am living with two men, one young and one ...well, "old"...(no offense, honey...I am still older than you)...Both of these men are currently very satisfied with staying still. It is within them, a sort of peace that makes me feel as if their calm harbor is where they maintain their strength. It makes me crazy. Period. I feel that I am their "nucleus" and they are pulled magnetically to maintain a close distance to me, and I am afraid to go anywhere outside of THEIR comfort zones. I don't want to shake them up with my own frenetic need to wiggle and blindly jump about.
I am trying to fill my calm space with very active things, that I can be passionate about. It makes me think of a cup of hot water with its energetic ions and protons and neutrons bopping around about and into each other as the water heats up. Maybe I can maintain this calm exterior and NOT burst... so, I am starting up my Irish dance classes again.
My Irish dance academy has a new teacher, who is fast becoming a good friend to me. My friend has one of those "calm exteriors" also, but I sense a kindred spirit inside, and I'm thinking his molecules are ever-moving and keeping up with the frenetic energy I contain as well. His dancing is beautiful. It is powerful, and yet sweetly smooth, as if he has a bit of fairy-light within lifting him off the ground. I will dance like that someday, I think. I can feel it. I have taken only three classes with him so far, but he is teaching me about where the body has the most strength, in the most unsuspected places. Who knew that to lift off, being on our toes would get us higher than pushing off from the very solid whole foot....?
Which leads me to this thought: I wonder if our "power" in everyday living, both spiritually and physically really comes from the often overlooked small places? Never obvious...maybe that's how people who have become very powerfully accomplished and famous, surprise us. Take Mother Teresa for an example: She very quietly, steadfastly, and yes, calmly, took over the world in her own way and learned to contain her goodness and her strength to accomplish outrageously energetic things. In history, there are many people who have learned to move their "cup" of energy without disrupting the calm ... learning to push off from the small places of their bodies, their souls, seemingly to defy the laws of nature...
I know many people who are proud to call themselves "Christians" will determine that it is "God" who is their strength and motivations, inside of their peace. That's good, I think. I accept that. I think we need to use whatever visualizations and imaginations that we can to feed our souls, to heat up our energies. I like to visualize God, myself. I am not sure of His absolute reality, and do not have "faith" in all that seems to be the makings of our society's Christianity... I think it is much bigger than that. And smaller, too. I believe every religion has those accomplishments, and finding the fires within ourselves individually takes an unearthly separation of body and soul... and giving it a name just seems to limit the possibilities.
I am, personally, going to start looking closely at the smaller, more hidden places of my strength...not overlooking every potential therein, nor underestimating the smallest or the weakest. Let's surprise ourselves, and start jumping off from our toes, instead of our whole foot.
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