I be. Sitting in a swirling mist, hands gracefully draped around the wine glass...melting in our hot tub, alone. But yet, not alone...bigger. The mist, magic and science, alive and lively, surrounding me, while seductively enticing old memories of more sensual days, younger days...pulling my thoughts into it while my old mellowing body gives up its muscle into the heat of the water. I be. Transforming memory into body, and body into memory. With eyes closed, seeing clearer than in the sunlight.
Transformation completed, I see infinite worlds swirling with the mist created by heat and water. Through the Glass, through the yellow sparkle of the fruity wine that plays on my tongue...so close to turning into vinegar, yet magically growing sweet in my mouth.
It seems it is the mist itself that is taking me, drawing me, and turning me into a person who used to be me, but stopping short of actually Me. How could it have been me, when I didn't exist fully without the years padding me ....I am more me now than I was then, and I know, I FEEL that there is more of Me to come...adding substance and volume to what is me right now. I can't wait. How exciting to know there is more to come.
The thought that winds itself in and about the mist is Magic. I always wanted to be a Witch. Not the old thing that rides on a broom with warts on her face and has shrunken her heart to contain her tiny imagination...but a real, true witch that knows the earth and feels the heat of it growing and spreading and enriching and fertilizing populations of souls yet to come.... I want to be that Celtic ancient pagan woman who embodies the whole of the world of femininity and love...who can look at a single person and KNOW. Just know. There is such a divide between that Witch and our society's "appropriate" Christianity....and I know in my heart it is one and the same. I want the magic... I want to discard the science. I want to discard the logic. I want to live in the mist. I want to leave behind the judgment and the hard lines. I don't see them. To me, they all blend. Like mist into air. Like mist into water. Blend. Science and Magic. Where one melts into another...no lines, no borders.
It is hard to be in both worlds. If anything will drive me crazy it is that I try hard to make lines. It is not within me. I don't have borders. I don't have lines. I look at each person and see a life, a mist, that has a music of their own and a substance with no borders. It is okay. I want to say that to everyone I meet. It is okay. You are okay. Stop trying to contain the mist into borders. Please don't make me hard. I don't want to be hard, and contained. I want to flow. To just feel my way around and go where my mist seems to leak and seep.....
I do not do well when I put myself into boxes. I keep trying. Many times in my life I box myself. I don't want to hurt anyone who strives hard to "believe"...in the Jesus that is "true" and "one" .... I love that Jesus. I love his words. I love his belief. And yes, I love his humanity. He did not cause all those wars or those harsh mainstream judgments of "believers" who harken to some of his words, but mostly to words of people, like themselves, who are just trying. It's okay. Your boxes are intended to keep you safe, I understand. But test the waters...test the mists. Question a little. Put your toe out, gently....feel around. The mist is not evil. It is science and soul.... it will set you free.
I don't have answers to anyone's questions. Certainly not the big questions. But I know that a little nakedness of soul will do you good. Let your life fill you, let it swirl around you.... let go, just a little.... I believe there is a little Witch in all of us. We just call it different names.
