"When I grow up..."

Like everyone, I spend more of my time floundering around, sort of guessing which way to go which inevitably leads me down a very meandering and somewhat unattractive path. Not that the path is unattractive, mind you, but because I do not let myself enjoy the sights and smells on it, my path is fraught with mostly a little panic until I get a hold of myself to be still for a bit. I picture myself trying to reach that point of where "grown up" is, by tripping and flopping and sweating and just plain floundering. I have yet to reach my destination of "Grown Up" and do not know how much further I have to go. I thought I would be there long ago. Long ago. Having seen my 54th birthday come and go, with 55 getting closer on my heels, I would have expected to see that sign rise up in front of me proclaiming my maturity!

When I was really young, and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I would, without hesitation, and in all sincerity blurt: "Mary Poppins." As I grew older, and less magically inclined, my answer became more reasonably, "a teacher..." which is more or less the same as Mary Poppins, but without the great singing voice and bottomless carpet bag. To be fair and honest, I still want to be Mary Poppins and think it is entirely unfair that my life has not indulged me with either the great singing voice OR the carpet bag. Later, much later, as I was farther on in my journey, and, I thought, much closer to my "Grown Up" destination I harbored a great yearning for my secret "witch" to blossom and to hear from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to be a teacher there and to leave this heavy earthbound muggle existence behind me. Alas, I am still waiting. And, as you can see, probably not any closer to being a grown up than I was when I wanted to be Mary Poppins.

I do not know when that magic grown up time comes for people. Maybe it never does. I always thought of my mom and dad as being "grown up." But looking back on them from my vantage point of the here and now, Heck...I am older than THEY were back then when I thought they were grown up!!! How does that happen!!!! I know my own children haven't a clue that I am not really grown up. I keep pretending, when they are around, because I don't want to scare them or anything. I do the grownup stuff...say the grownup things... and, yah, it isn't very much fun. Come to think of it...why do I even WANT to get to that GrownUp place? Maybe that is the secret!!! NOBODY is a grown up....who are we kidding? Those people who I think are really grown up? I bet they are not having very much fun. Next time anyone asks me what I want to be when I grow up, I am going to tell them, "Mary Poppins"...and skip away on my meandering silly path that apparently goes everywhere, but to the Grown Up place. Because you know what? THAT is just where I want to be....