The Anchor Holds....

There is a hymn, titled "The Anchor Holds" that means so very much to me, yet confuses me if I think about it too much. Of course, being a song ripe with "Christian-ese" it shouts of the omnipotence of "God the Almighty" in the mysterious symbol-speak so common in the Christian society.

I was exploring "religion" once again, seasonally, as I seem to sow, reap, and search in that order, my way through life. I'm not sure where I am at the moment in that cycle, probably the searching since that seems to make up the biggest percentage of my existence. I seem to respect the gifts of the universe, and think seriously when interesting opportunities for seeking drop in my path, as if from the sky. I have been led astray with this kind of respect, giving more credence to things for a while than I should...but I always seem to swim my way back out into open water, free of the dangerous currents of tide, where I can control my direction more easily. It's a wonder I am still jumping into the water at all, with the experiences I have pulled out of by the skin of my teeth. (What does that even mean...skin of my teeth????)

So, I made friends with a woman who was charming and friendly, in my little town...I was fascinated by her mix of modern and old-fashioned...intriguing, really. She dressed like something out of "Little House on the Prairie" minus the bonnet, but had a daughter who gave her modern day worries like: tongue piercing, tight clothing, boyfriends...etc. The woman introduced me to another woman, who had a dog very similar to my Wicket, and we all decided to start a walking-for-exercise group, since we were all endowed more than we wanted with our middle age middles. One thing led to another, and they charmed me into their "fold" gently wooing me into a really crazy, mixed up world that they called UPC...United Pentecostal Church. I mean no offense to anyone by my opinions, so if you are reading this, please understand that this is my experience, through my eyes, and it is my blog ...I even attended a big women's retreat (not a "big woman's" retreat for big women, but a large retreat for UPC women....although, really, there were some large women in attendance, because what else is left to them in the rules but to eat?)

In my early stages of seeking among the UPC women, I committed myself to a Bible study, even holding it at my house in turns...which of course meant dragging my family into my seeking ways as well. My husband, bless his sweet heart, just enjoys the ride, speaking up when he sees I am headed for rough waters, but letting me swim otherwise....It was at one of these Bible studies that I first heard this song... and it came at such an odd and profound time, that I know it was some kind of spiritual dropping that I needed to pay heed to while I seek.

Picture this: a circle of men and women, singing and praising their God, in my living room...I don't know if you are familiar with a spirit-filled assembly of worship, but if you are not let me say, it is very intimate and very moving, whatever spiritual persuasion you may be. The very sound of sweet voices in harmony, the sight of people joined together with eyes closed inviting their God to be among them...well, moving me, like I said, in an emotional way that releases much energy into the world. In the midst of this, when it was time to move on into the "study" part of the evening, the person leading the night's schedule disrupted the timing by declaring that he felt the urge to pray for my son Caleb.

Granted, upon arrival and greeting, we all asked each other routinely, how we were doing, blah blah, like good people do. I mentioned that I was worried for my son, who was procuring a sailboat in questionable circumstances, and sailing with a man who promised Caleb the boat upon arrival of their destination... they were sailing from southern California to Seattle area, and it was only the two of them. I was very uneasy all day about Caleb's journey, and he had called earlier sounding less than positive himself. He is a good sailor, but hadn't many years of sailing under his belt...and no experience at all of sailing alone, with a large vessel.

So, when our "leader" interupted the schedule, he pulled the song "The Anchor Holds" out of the air, and insisted we sing and pray.... Here are the words:

I have journeyed through the long dark night
out on open sea by faith alone, sight unkown,
And yet His eyes are watching me.

The anchor holds though the ship is battered.
The anchor holds though the sails are torn.
I have fallen on my knees as I face the raging seas
But the anchor holds in spite of the storm.

I've had visions and I've had dreams
Well I've even held them in my hands
But I never knew those dreams could slip right through
like they were grains of sand.

Chorus: the anchor holds....

Now I have been young and I am older now
Oh there has been beauty these eyes have seen
But it was in the night when I faced the storms of my life
Oh that's where God proved His love to me.

Chorus


So, you see... if you can imagine, I could not sing, I could not speak, I was crying so deeply...there was not a dry eye in the entire circle, and I truly felt that God, Himself had entered the room that night. When the praying was over, I felt a sense of peace and release, and such a sweet spirit towards these people who prayed and cried for my child. I will never forget. A momma never forgets.

When I said goodbye to all but one couple, the Pastor and his wife, we got startled with the phone ringing. It was about midnight, and that ring sent a shockwave through my body...running to the phone thinking, "caleb's dead..." and picking it up to hear his wonderful voice...so many thoughts were running into each other...Then I heard his story.

Apparently, the guy Caleb was getting the boat from did not know how to sail. The guy went below and drank himself into a stupor, being no help at all to my son uptop. The boat was already established out on course, not seeing land, when a huge storm kicked up ....well, to make a long story short, Caleb feared for his life and singlehandedly brought the boat into a safe harbor along the way with no engine working (it had blown) and only a wing and a prayer... Well, maybe only one prayer, but as I've shown you it was a MIGHTY prayer. I believe to this day that our prayers worked side-by-side with my boy, bringing that boat into shore.

So, you ask, why do I keep seeking, when it looks like my answers were just DROPPED into my lap? Why do I keep doubting the existence of our Christian God? I think I go through periods of my life when imaginary things get confused with reality, and I have always struggled with it. Magic vs. solid science. Spiritual vs. Intelligence. The ultimate: Head vs. Heart. I do not agree with most of the teachings of the UPC... I have considered them, and I reject much of their "law"....I did the same with the Mormon church. I have yet to find a place that satisfies my yearning for truth in a reasonable, yet magical way.... I still believe in the Shire, and in Hogwarts.... why do I struggle so much with God? I truly believe there is something really spiritual...really big "out there" that we are missing. It cannot be contained in a box, with limitations that are so many deity itself could not be sustained. The Lutheran church has "laws" that expell Jesus himself...excluding everyone but those who agree to agree, beyond reason. I do not support "boxes" when it comes to spiritual possibilities. It is bigger than us. I bow down to it. I just cannot embrace it.