"You Should...."

I wonder why those two words, "you should..." simply makes me cringe. It might be a terribly misformed dna sequence that just makes my spirit burn and spark when I hear those words, or it could be a rebellion learned at the feet of authority as I tried to untie its shoe....

"You should..." never fails to make me miss the instruction that follows. "You should..." seems to be written in red ink, marking my mistakes and mismanagements, brightly highlighting my once-hidden ignorance. I don't seem to mind it when it is spoken in fun, with crazy ideas attached to it, but give it an authoritative spin...boom, I'm gone. Those are two words you won't hear me say to my students in my classroom.

I wish it didn't bother me as much as it does. And, to be fair, most of the time the speaker is absolutely correct: I really should. But what gives them the idea that I hadn't thought of that before and that I don't struggle with making myself do what I "should?"

Let's look at it together, shall we? The person demanding, "you should..." probably feels like he/she is giving me a gift of themselves.... of their knowledge, so to speak. Why do I feel smaller for it? More humble, less creative and certainly less powerful....? Could it be the spirit of the gift? Is it one of those things that gives strength to their insecurities, making mine more vulnerable? It is similar to when a sentence begins with, "did you know...?"

I don't know how many times I have bit my tongue and grinned, even if I have thought of exactly what I am being told to do, all by myself long ago. I politely say, "oh, good idea..." or some such inane comment that fuels a repetition of more "you should's..." It brings to mind some information I found about training a puppy. How is that, you might ask? Apparently, there is a lot to know when trying to be the master of a good pup. They have a "herd" mentality, and there is a definite hierarchy to their culture. It is imperative that we, as puppy owners, show that we are the "Alpha Dog"...otherwise we won't have a very peaceful cohabitation with our new family member and they will be running the show chewing and biting and running rampant, being an animal all over the place at us.

When we pick up a puppy, we need to make sure their front legs are tucked under our arms, with their chins resting on our forearms, otherwise they feel they are superior to us, and "we get no respect." Never let a newbie keep their paws on us as if holding us down, because that is exactly what they are doing. I know it sounds silly, especially if you have a tiny little cuddly puppy, but believe me, when your tiny little puppy weighs over 15 pounds at 12 weeks of age, you won't be wanting them to feel superior to you for long!

Those words, "You should...." seem to me like paws on top of me, holding me down. Like I am not a full grown alpha woman at all, but it puts me back into kindergarten when I was learning all kinds of things I "should" do. Maybe I am too far gone as a rebel, and there is no hope of redemption.... "I should" just buck up or go back to bed.

Rough Starts

Rough Starts. That's me. When I was a child, playing whimsical make-believe games even alone, I would often walk thru the woods, trying not to make a sound, like in the stories I read about the Indians who silently swept through the forests when our country was young. Placing my foot so gently upon pine needled ground, I made up names for myself, magnifying my skills and talents in them, like "Swift Deer Prancer" and "Beautiful Lilac" ... I know, but remember I was a kid. Nowadays, humbled by life, my name is more like "Rough Starts..."

I am no longer afraid of rough starts. Looking back, it seems all my beginnings were a "hard go.." but they all seemed to lead to some form of happiness or other. Leaving my parent's home, as a young idealistic bride, wanting to see the world and experience it "all" without knowing what "all" meant... I was hopeful. Well, my young husband and I had some memorable times, and unique experiences to start filling up our tool boxes with. I made the poor young man join an all-girl trapeze act for a bit, with a bunch of unusual and interesting people to learn about. For first steps, that was pretty cool. But, certainly not a smooth transition from our clean, modern parental environments into "the world." As things often go, I found myself on my own for the first time, embracing the possibilities, but stumbling around like a babe learning to walk again.

Time and time again, as endings occurred and beginnings bloomed, rough starts would cripple me for a while. I ended up as a single mom at some point, certainly not recognizing the girl who flew on a trapeze anymore. But with each rocky beginning, I worked it out and found my footing. Pretty soon, I am looking back, once again, at a place made smooth for resting, and feeling hopeful as the mountain rises again in my journey. I've come a long way... now I have muscles and brains and fortitude that I never could have predicted... and can tackle the next mountain with the never-ending hope of experience as my tool.

My next mountain is made up of a little pup named "Eris"... named, of course, after the Goddess of Discord. Honoring my son's choice, but with great disturbance in my soul, I tacked on the name "Harmony" as her second name, in hopes of turning "Discord" into "Harmony"... At the moment, being ten weeks old and only three weeks into coming home, little Eris is living up to her first name very well. My job is going to be challenging, I can tell. Her little personality is not similar to my previous beloved Airedales, but she is her own unique and active little girl. She is smart as a whip, but she has a rebellious and sassy little attitude that challenges me. It will be interesting to see how this little girl turns out. Our family has been tossed into a turbulent sea for the moment and we are all waiting impatiently for those puppy teeth to fall out and for our girl to mature. She has been good for my diet and exercise routine though... no time to eat, and constantly on the move...high-stepping over gated doorways, and chasing after garden tools disappearing under pine trees where Eris is hoarding "her" things. But I have high hopes for this "Rough Start"... I know we will wake up one day and realize that our gates are put away, and our home is loved and protected by this beautiful, loving girl we named "Eris." She is my mountain, but what a good life for the opportunity to climb. It is always wonderful reaching the top.


*************


Rough Starts

Stepping out into the world
seemed so easy at first...
Walking out the door, not looking back,
Not thinking to even wave goodbye.

Not long after the first gentle hill
rose a mountain.
Only a mountain, I say...
beginning to climb, unaware
that my feet were bare and I had no rope.

Scrambling, digging into rock
with dirt embedded in my nails
and sweat dripping from my brow
I climbed.

That mountain took years to climb.
Places of rest hard to find...
Looking back more often now,
wishing I had waved goodbye.

Upon reaching the top I noticed
tough skin on my feet...
Like shoes
Ah...I am forming a "soul" like a sole...
Tools collected from my climb
Muscles strengthed from
lifting myself up.

Doing a dance of joy at the open-ness of the sky
so high up in the air.
Raising my arms to the heavens
catching my breath.

As my eyes glance around
and the sun starts to set...
I see.
Another mountain faces me.

The Seekers

Faith. What a beautiful word, conjuring up a mystery and intangible solidity strong enough to move a mountain with nothing but an idea and mist. I have met so many people who profess owning Faith, claiming Faith, and preaching Faith. The word itself speaks of beauty and time to me.

I cannot define myself with that word, no matter how my heart yearns for it. Faith belongs to angels, and to elves...and to all things in another world less earthy. I admit judging harshly fellow human folk who are made up of mud and blood and bone when they proclaim their "faith" on the soapbox of religion. Substance. Science. Earth as a firmament to be dug, and touched, and embedded under nails and skin.

Doubt is perceived as a darkness, and a muddy cloud... and in such an element has my heart lived. But I was recently enlightened, by my good friend Melanie whom I love. She gave me words from a church sermon, no less, that filled me with awakening and lightened my guilt. Let me tell you about Melanie...a little, and according to my limited experience of that friend who is becoming a sister of my soul. First off, I will come right out to say, Melanie is the wife of a Pastor. But that is such a deceptive and shallow description of her, and her sweet husband, that most of you will be all over it thinking you know all of what you need now. Ha. I repeat: ha. I have NEVER met a pastor or a pastor's wife who has affected me the way these two people do. I am sorry to say that this couple, in the Lord's Army, is unique. They are people who are not afraid of my questions, and do not pretend to answer them...they just listen, and they respond simply and solidly. They do not try to talk me out of my disbelief and my doubt...indeed, they have not once argued any point with the lame and inane, and might I add stupid, rebuttal of "I just "know" because I have "faith" that this is true."....

They feel free to laugh with me about things of the real world, without contempt and without fear... and I don't feel like a dark and "lost" soul when I tell them I cannot take communion because there is NO way I believe I am drinking somebody's BLOOD (eww) or partaking in the eating of somebody's BODY (double ewwww)... and if I DID believe it, I so would NOT even consider doing it....! Beside the fact, that my diet leans heavily toward vegetables, I can easily gross myself out during communion at the Lutheran church I tried attending picturing my loving friends and family actually lining up to eat and drink someBODY....eww, ewww, ewww. It is hard enough to eat a cow.

Melanie and I connect in many ways that are similar to each other. Our lives have gone a similar path in past relationships, and current relationships... our husbands share a sweetness and the same playfulness as each other. We both have grown children, and a single sixth grader left to raise. We have both been single moms, and have both been "good" and "bad" in very similar ways. But it is our differences that I believe bonds us together. For one thing, Melanie actually swears more than I do. She likes the taste of wine more than me (although we have been known to down a bottle together in no time flat, where taste no longer matters...) Mel is from a different decade and yearns for the more free spirited era that I wallow in, and thinks of me certainly as something better and more than I really am. She has a great solid head for business, where mine is usually in the clouds. She is a precise thinker, who has capacity for details and analyzes everything way more than I care to. Melanie is the kind of person who measures twice, cuts once... which I totally admire, especially when my projects turn out to be very "folkish" and "whimsical" due to digging in bravely but certainly just eyeballing it all. Our differences inspire each other, and it just works.

She totally gets me. In expressing my doubts, in religion...Christianity, to be precise, Melanie just takes it in, and then sits on it in her way of quietly digesting and analyzing my words. Then, out of the blue, she comes up with the perfect analysis' of it all. Recently, upon hearing me saying "I WANT to believe in God, in Christianity, in the Bible...but I just don't see it..." I watch Christians every day... most of my friends profess Christianity as their way of life... and it doesn't fit. I hear them shout political views that to me are inhumane and totally NOT what Christ addressed or adhered to, in the name of Christianity. Melanie listens, and doesn't make me feel "less than." Days later, she hands me a sermon that she just heard... and non-chalantly as she lives, she thought of me and knew that it would be interesting. I did not read it right away. I think she understands my rebellious nature, and if I thought I HAD to read it, would not... but sitting down with my coffee this morning, I really read it, and re-read it, and was amazed. It did not answer questions, but it so gave me hope. Words spoken by a real pastor, who seems to understand people like me.... now we are talking! The title was "Three Seekers"... and it was about three different people : an African boy, a Jewish leader, and Thomas, who is always portrayed as "the Doubter" in the Bible.

The African boy was working in the home of a Christian (from "Out of Africa") and asked to be let go because he was going to go work in another man's home for a while. Even turning down a raise... his reason being that he is seeking. He worked (and worked well) for a Christian family, and now he wants to work for a Muslim family, because he wants to decide what religion he wanted to follow. Of course, the Christian person thought, "oh my, I wish he had told me when he started ..." feeling as if they were set up as a test. Which of course they were. I loved it. What a smart boy. To see how each person lived with their religion, and for their religion in daily life. Where it counts. How different would people act if they knew they were being tested? Interesting.

The Jewish leader who is cautious about the Christian movement, waiting to see how it lasts...with time, and with strength...before making his decision about the movement.

And then, Thomas, who is already a disciple of Christ...who wants a personal experience in order to validate his faith....This pastor does not put Thomas down as a "doubter" but as a seeker. Christ would welcome the seeker, proving that He understood by allowing Thomas to have the personal experience he needed. Jesus did not judge Thomas, as a doubter... fellow "christians" did. I see Thomas as someone who does not "pretend" easily. And that's good in my book.

The pastor who wrote this sermon gave me permission to walk my own way...to Seek as I needed. Seekers are after Truth. I don't feel bad at all to doubt, because I am walking the path that my spirit will trust in the long run. Thank you Melanie, for sharing this sermon with me and letting me be just who I am, without pretending. Maybe "faith" will someday find its way into my heart.... but until then, I just Seek.